M.I.A.

Firstly, I'm sorry I haven't posted a blog in so long. There are so many things that have gone on in the last few weeks that I just haven't had the heart to blog. The overwhelming sense of "blah" has really taken over me for several weeks and nothing fun or interesting to blog about happens when you're feeling so blah.

A few days ago I literally hit my breaking point. I just lost it. My poor hubby has probably never been more scared in his life, but he was so patient and kind. I've been miserable for several months and it dawned on me the other day that I was trying to point the finger as to why I was so miserable at ANYTHING other than the truth. I said I was miserable because of my job, being away from family, not being able to start a family when we wanted to, etc. It was like God's hand came down and smacked me on the forehead and said "No you dummy, you're the reason you're miserable." Oh... I'm making myself miserable. Awesome. So, I've been trying to improve my attitude and accept that the situation is not what's making me so upset, it's how I'm dealing with the situation. That's a tough pill to swallow, I'll tell you that for sure.

I keep telling hubby I wish there was an easy button and am wondering where my burning bush is. I don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing as far as my career, but I also feel like what I want will never happen. My work schedule sucks so bad I can hardly stand it. At the moment, I really feel like being a teacher is what would truly help me feel fulfilled in my career and enjoy myself, but I have NO idea how to go about it. I got a part-time job at a local elementary school within the past few days and that's an encouragement I suppose, but it's only 1.5 hours a day and that means I'll never have a day off, unless I take vacation from the station over a weekend. That's slightly daunting but I'm hoping I can get a teacher's assistant position at this same elementary school and then I can quit at the station. But then I had a panicky moment realizing... but I won't have work over the summer months! What will we do without an income for those three months?! I'm just lost and feel like I'm drowning. Like the more I hate this situation, the worse it gets, and the less I know what to do.

This isn't quite as cheery of a blog as I was hoping, but it's the best I can muster. I'm going to try and do better about blogging and maybe that will help me feel better. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with you ladies, but I promise you aren't forgotten.