I don't know what to do. Lately I'm consumed with trying to figure out our future and where this life is taking us. It's starting to make me insane.
My work schedule is less than desirable and I hardly see hubby because of it. We both really would like to start trying for a baby, but I'm so unsure. He works the morning shift and I work afternoons, we have NO family up here whatsoever and no friends that could help us in a pinch with kids. We would only need daycare or a nanny three days a week for MAYBE three hours. What if our kids get sick? Who will watch them if they get sick and we both have to work? Hubby can't just take off work and I only am given so many sick days a year. What about holidays? We're only four hours away from both our families but would we really want to drive home every Christmas?
Hubby has been asking me a lot lately about my dreams. What my dreams were growing up and how they've changed now. Growing up I wanted to be a mother and a wife more than anything in the world. I quickly learned that that answer wasn't deemed acceptable during those days and that I should "want more for myself". I never dreamed that I would marry someone that would support whatever I wanted to do, and not just what was "acceptable", so I tried for years to repress those feelings. Now, having the amazing husband that I do, it's so hard not to crave being a stay at home mom. My heart aches for it, but I know we aren't quite there financially yet. I never imagined being a military wife and that definitely changes the way I pictured my life. I never thought I'd live too far from my family. My sister and I always said we would flip-flop having holidays at our houses. Thanksgiving at mine and Christmas at hers, and then the next year switching. I always thought my family would be at my kids birthday parties and be able to see them be born. I am a Texas girl through and through so I'm still having a bit of a shock to my system to no longer live there and my hubby knows it.
In our talk yesterday he said he'd be willing to not re-enlist and we could move back to Texas once this enlistment was up. He would work really hard these next couple of years to finish his bachelors and could find a job at an airport or something of that nature. At first I just cried. To get a man better than my dreams, and get all of my other dreams too, is just too unreal. The thought of him changing his dreams to make me happy makes me sick with guilt though. I just don't know what to do. I want to be near our families, I want him to be happy, but most of all I just want to have a family with him. Where's the compromise? Do we just take it one day at a time and live the best way we know how each day? Or do we try and look into the future and plan for what we want? I just don't know. I wish I had a crystal ball or something to look into and have a definite answer. If I had normal hours at work, I wouldn't be so neurotic about having kids... or if I could be a stay at home mom, I know I'd be tons happier. But none of that is possible any time soon.
BLAH! I neeeeeeeed my brain to turn off for a while.
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3 comments:
aww, I can really relate to this to tell you the truth! My husband is working on his degree to get out so we can have a "normal" life. What is normal though right? Something that truly helps me is making a list. When you write out pro's and con's it may help you to visually see. (Most of the time though, we all know what we want in our heart.) Nothing is impossible, if you want something- look into a way to make it work. :) If you ever need to talk, seriously we are in the same exact boat! Your post really struck a cord with me. Thanks for posting!
Awe, thanks! You are so right.. what's normal? I probably should see the pros and cons on paper. In my heart, I want him to not re-enlist.. but it's hard to draw the line between him fulfilling his dream (even if that is changing now) and making a good life decision for us both. Thanks for commenting!! You were my first comment haha :)
:) You are welcome! For us we believe that my husband getting out of the military is what is best. He is hardly ever home, so that makes it hard- I also think no matter what people say, it has got to be hard on kids as well... It is hard for us to walk away from the benefits, but I would rather be broke but be together! :) If you feel in your heart a certain way, there is probably a good reason for it. Good luck!
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