Confusion

Well, I have an interview on Monday for a nanny job and my feelings are so mixed up I don't know how to feel. I'm excited, but scared. I'm nervous, but resigned. I want to get my teacher's certificate, but I don't know how I'm going to make it work. We can't afford any more student loans or for me to not work. This job is for a part-time position and as far as I can tell I'd make just under what I'm making now... we can't do that. If I could somehow make it into a full-time job or get them to up the weekly pay by just 50 dollars it'd be perfect. (Minus the figuring out how to pay for the certification classes and such of course... but I'd definitely have the time to do it) But I could find fulfillment in a nanny job, maybe more so than working at the station right now. I'm thoroughly confused, but hopefully I can work through some of this and have myself figured out by Monday morning.

1000 miles a minute

My brain will NOT shut off. Will not. And to be perfectly honest I'm rather surprised with myself about it.

I haven't posted in quite a while. I guess I've just gotten overwhelmed in the last few weeks or so. Working non-stop and making a trip to see my sister graduate, hubby's birthday, and everything else on our plates. Despite all of that I've been rather happy during the past few weeks. Hubby and I are happier and more in love than ever. I really am so lucky to have snagged him. A few days ago we mutually decided that we were tired of putting off starting our family. We both really really want it and feel like there is no better time than the present! So as soon as possible I'll be ditching the pill and seeing what happens. Because of that we also decided although I really find it difficult to handle certain things at work, I would be sticking it out and sucking it up and stay there as long as I possibly can. I would clearly need the maternity leave security on top of general security. I would hate to be at a new job and quickly getting pregnant after that. Also, hubby has made the difficult decision that he won't re-enlist when this four year stint is up. So in about 2-3 years we'll finally be getting back to Texas! I'm terrified and thrilled all in one. Honestly, I don't really know how I feel about it yet. I keep telling him he might change his mind (again!) and I won't be holding my breath. lol

So, tonight I find myself not able to turn off my brain and go to sleep. I'm tired, but not. I'm certainly exhausted, but I can't help feeling like I've set up an IV of caffeine sometime over the past few hours. In order to not disturb hubby toooooo much I decided to come in the living room and read/watch TV. Seeing my laptop I realized I hadn't checked anything all day long and hopped onto my email. Low and behold I have an email from an operations manager at an different tv station than the one I currently work for asking if I'd like to come in on Friday for an interview! What?! I'm completely shocked. Yes, I applied for it but gosh, I never ever expected to hear anything in return. And now I have no idea what to do. What about babies? As soon as we decide to go for it, I get an interview. There is no hope for me going to sleep soon. I truly don't know what to do. I guess I'll go just to see what they have to offer. If they pay more, I will just have to go for it... or if they can offer me a better schedule. And what about our vacation we have scheduled!? Oh geez. I can't wait for hubby to wake up and make me feel better about this whole situation.

confusion at it's best

I don't know what to do. Lately I'm consumed with trying to figure out our future and where this life is taking us. It's starting to make me insane.

My work schedule is less than desirable and I hardly see hubby because of it. We both really would like to start trying for a baby, but I'm so unsure. He works the morning shift and I work afternoons, we have NO family up here whatsoever and no friends that could help us in a pinch with kids. We would only need daycare or a nanny three days a week for MAYBE three hours. What if our kids get sick? Who will watch them if they get sick and we both have to work? Hubby can't just take off work and I only am given so many sick days a year. What about holidays? We're only four hours away from both our families but would we really want to drive home every Christmas?

Hubby has been asking me a lot lately about my dreams. What my dreams were growing up and how they've changed now. Growing up I wanted to be a mother and a wife more than anything in the world. I quickly learned that that answer wasn't deemed acceptable during those days and that I should "want more for myself". I never dreamed that I would marry someone that would support whatever I wanted to do, and not just what was "acceptable", so I tried for years to repress those feelings. Now, having the amazing husband that I do, it's so hard not to crave being a stay at home mom. My heart aches for it, but I know we aren't quite there financially yet. I never imagined being a military wife and that definitely changes the way I pictured my life. I never thought I'd live too far from my family. My sister and I always said we would flip-flop having holidays at our houses. Thanksgiving at mine and Christmas at hers, and then the next year switching. I always thought my family would be at my kids birthday parties and be able to see them be born. I am a Texas girl through and through so I'm still having a bit of a shock to my system to no longer live there and my hubby knows it.

In our talk yesterday he said he'd be willing to not re-enlist and we could move back to Texas once this enlistment was up. He would work really hard these next couple of years to finish his bachelors and could find a job at an airport or something of that nature. At first I just cried. To get a man better than my dreams, and get all of my other dreams too, is just too unreal. The thought of him changing his dreams to make me happy makes me sick with guilt though. I just don't know what to do. I want to be near our families, I want him to be happy, but most of all I just want to have a family with him. Where's the compromise? Do we just take it one day at a time and live the best way we know how each day? Or do we try and look into the future and plan for what we want? I just don't know. I wish I had a crystal ball or something to look into and have a definite answer. If I had normal hours at work, I wouldn't be so neurotic about having kids... or if I could be a stay at home mom, I know I'd be tons happier. But none of that is possible any time soon.

BLAH! I neeeeeeeed my brain to turn off for a while.